Forever Gone

"Its like forgetting the words to your favourite song; you cant believe it, you were always singing along"
-Regina Spektor
Have you ever wanted something so badly, that your view of it was tainted. Maybe it wasnt really what you wanted, not what you bargained for, or simply not what you thought it'd be? Maybe that something, the something you want more than anything, the something that trumps all other somethings, is everything you can imagine, you're just not sure if you deserve it in the end.
What if that something isnt what you want anymore? That something that made you so happy, that made you look to the future with a world of hope, the something that kept you going at more times than one. What happens when you dont want it anymore? That something that could have potentially defined you, may have defined who you would become. It would have changed everything about you, created a whole new you. Then you didnt want it anymore.
There's no reasoning behind your choice. It just happens.
A switch.
On/off. One minute you're on and the next you're off. Why? Why does that happen? Why is it that something you're so attached to, an idea, something you want so much, a future, can just slip away. You've changed your mind and now its gone. Forever gone.
Is it just an irrational fear that will pass with time? One can only hope. I hope this feeling passes. This lonely forgotten feeling. I want it to pass so much. I miss that feeling. I miss the giddy, joyful, hopeful feelings that my something gave me. Instead I'm left in this empty void of nothingness. The answer I was so sure of is gone. I have nothing to reassure myself with, nothing to fill the void where the answer was held secure and safe.
For now I'm left to dwell in this void, unsure of everything.
To that something that kept us going. To the something that kept me here.

Rising Up

"What happened to bulletproof weeks in your arms"
-Matt Nathanson
The worst part about looking back is realizing the things that could have been different. If one detail of a day or moment were changed, everything could be different now. This realization brings more and more thoughts of what could have, should have, or would have been. That where you are now was because of something that may not have had to happen. The worst part of this realization is that where you are, as hard or difficult as it is where you are, that it is where you are supposed to be. Where you are is taking you to where you are supposed to be later. I've recently made this connection. That with where I am now, I am learning things that will help me with where I'm going.
How are we supposed to know if we are where we are supposed to be? I think its through the little things. The things like getting to know someone, like a relationship start and begin to work. Although we're not always sure if we're going the right way, when we take the time to ask, or simply to find out if we're where we should be. Somehow, knowing that although dealing with hardships sucks at the time, knowing that its how it is supposed to be makes it better, easier to handle. Nothing is easy but doing something for a reason makes it all worth it. Knowing it will work out gives us something to fight for.
Our potential is everything, the only thing we have to fight for.
May we rise to our potential.

Learning to Express

"Very late at night and in the morning light, nobody knows me at all."

-The Weepies

Here is some poetry I've written the last few months. Its in the format I wrote it in, its nothing special, I just want it saved in a more secure spot and this seemed good enough. I dont believe in titles for my poetry, so they'll just be numbered.

1.

i'll write to you

if you write me back.

i'll love you

if you love me back.

2.
i've become the one i never thought i'd be

i’ve started seeing ways i never thought i’d see
i’ve begun saying things i never thought i’d say
i’ve turned into a romantic and
i’ve fallen in love with you

3.
i’ll write you letters
and make you smile;
you marry me and
hold me tight.
i’ll send you things
that make you
laugh;
you teach me how
to love and be
loved.

4.
i smile when i’m
reminded of you and
i am
reminded of you when i
smile.
i’m all smiles today,
i hope you are too.

Enjoy.

<3

-M

Thinking of You

"I think that possibly maybe I've fallen for you"

-Landon Pigg

There is a certain reverence that comes while making plans. Looking to the future creates a bright picture, with details, oh so many details. The details are not to be overlooked. The creation of a dream, the potential of a future is soon the only thing that seems important. The here, the now, the brushstrokes leading to the final picture seem to take forever.

Nothing is as frustrating as seeing a great potential and being told to wait for it. "Wait just a little longer, it'll be worth it", they say. While you know exactly what they're talking about and why they say such things, it makes waiting no less impossible. Many times, you're not allowed to see a full potential of something. You know it will be good, but you cant comprehend so you're unaware of how good it will be when the waiting is over. Other times, however, you know exactly how good it will be when the wait is over.

This is another post to You. I've decided to wait. I am waiting 10 long months, toughing out the cold winter of loneliness and setting my sights on you. You're becoming You and I'm becoming Me, so the time apart is necessary and of utmost importance, but it does not make waiting any less difficult. I know you, you know me. I know how amazing you are. I have no problem waiting for you, its not the You I'm struggling to wait for. Waiting was not a hard decision to make. The physical waiting is what I will struggle with. 10 months is a long time to watch friends and family get married and start their lives. While I dont yet know what the future has in store for Us, I know the potential for greatness is there. We will both achieve great things in life, and I cant wait to find out if we will be great together.

I've never felt so right about a decision in my life. I was very careful each step of the way making this decision, and I know I will never regret it. I couldnt be more grateful and proud of your decision to serve the Lord. You're already an amazing man, I cant wait to be with the You that will come home from Mississippi. I want there to always be an Us. I dont have you yet, but someday I hope you'll choose me too, so we can be together.

Patiently waiting.

Love always,

M 

Choosing Happiness

"Dont worry about a thing, 'cause every little thing is gonna be alright"
-Bob Marley
I have recently become obsessed with the concepts of perspective and attitude. While seeing a different perspective may change your attitude completely on any given subject, attitude is completely a choice on how to see the world. Every year Summer comes to a close and Autumn willingly shortens itself to give way to a bossy, controlling Winter that wears its welcome each year. Why talk about seasons when talking about attitude? Simply because it is much easier to hate snow than to like it, but it makes for a much happier Winter to decide you like it. Winter is long, hard, dark, and can be quite lonely. Why decide you hate everything about it? Why put yourself in a bad mood about Winter when you can decide to like it, to be ok with it, to spite your enemy, that is Winter, and enjoy yourself?
I focus on Winter because most people can relate to the feelings we have against it. However, changing our attitude about Winter can be applied to anything we may not be able to control but have no choice to remove ourselves from. I need to work on my attitude about homework, among other things. While I can complain all I want about how much I have, how difficult it is to understand, or how many tests I have at any given time, all it does is waste my time and energy. My new goal is to focus not on how much I dislike spending time working on homework, but to see the good. I want to be able to see 3 good things in each undesirable situation given to me.
While I may not have the best attitude, I want to be among the best. I want to choose happiness. I want to be able to create a safe-zone for myself in a storm of life that doesnt let up no matter how worn down I become. Being able to laugh during a hard time is something I've always prided myself on. Now I will focus on looking up, looking forward, and being positive.
I am a big believer in attitudes being everything. Liking and disliking anything needs to be a conscious decision. I did not like running until I decided to like it. Now I love it. You will not like vegetables until you decide to like them. You will not like someone until you decide to. I think life is too long for us to decide not to like it.
My perspective in the last while has changed greatly because the first few years of college is when you become You. I am currently becoming Me. I can choose who I am friends with, who I date, where I work, what I study, whether or not I study, what I eat, where I go, etc. The list could go on forever. To sum it up, I make my own decisions. It takes perspective to make most of those decisions. Without the right perspective, it would be very easy to make the wrong decision. For months I was very upset about being the only one in my circle of friends that wasnt dating. Then I was dating. It never felt right, and ultimately it didnt work. Now I know that my time alone is going to be worth it when I am with the one I end up marrying. I dont know, yet, who that will be, but I know it will be worth it. With relation to school, without the right perspective and thinking about my whole life, and not just about me here and now, I can decide to study something that will benefit me forever.
I hear and have seen that many girls go wild in their first few years of college. The new-found freedom is too much. They get tattoos, they party, they have friends they never would have before. Soon, their actions start to define them and instead of just acting, they become that person. They become the partier, the drunk, or the whore. If they would stop and think of a correct perspective and see their potential, the potential of a family, of a wonderful life, of being addiction-free, would they continue down the path that is so hard to come back from? Maybe a boring, date-free summer isnt so bad after all.
May we all see with perspective and choose our attitude with discretion.
May we all be happy on purpose.

Real Worlds

"Driving away from the wreck of the day."
-Anna Nalick
Have you ever thought something could go right? I mean something unexpected and unlikely. The pieces were falling together just perfectly and you thought, "maybe this could work. Maybe its my turn."
Have you ever thought something could go right and then you chickened out before it got its chance?
Have you ever thought something could go right and then you realized that you dont get a fairy-tale?
I have.
Its an interesting feeling, when you have something, because you expect it to be there for you. The feeling. Its supposed to be there to keep you safe from the scary world that you're not a part of. You're not a part of the scary world. Just the real world where people laugh, cry, die, live, love, and thrive. Thats the real world. You're a part of that world. The scary world is where freak accidents happen, people leave, people are murdered, and people stop loving. They stop caring. But you're not a part of the scary world. That isnt your world and you dont worry about it. Until....
When the scary world shows itself to you, you stop trusting. You curl up in a ball and keep to yourself. You dont want to let anyone in because of whats happened in the past. We all have our own scary world, I'm not dramatizing my own life to make it worse than anyone else's, I just wish I could find a replacement. Something better. I wish I could move out of the scary world and back to the real world where everyone else is.
I've learned that trusting doesnt get you very far because trusting only means opening yourself to harm. You openly seek that hurt from the scary world. The scary world doesnt care about you. Neither do the people you come to trust. You are expendable and replaceable and there is no reason for them to care about you, or go out of their way to make sure the scary world hasnt killed you. Life is cruel.
So, when something comes your way and has the potential of going right, you want to believe. You want to think this might be your chance; your turn. But then, remembering what the scary world has just done to you, you walk away before you are hurt, left, and broken. Again.
I'm on my way back to the real world, where people laugh, cry, die, live, love, and thrive.
I want to be there. And I want to be alone.

Maybe

"You know I love you so"
-Coldplay
This is me taking a chance on you. I opened myself to you, and now I wait for the reply. The reply of rejection, welcome, or nothing at all.
I'm not sure what would be worse to me, being rejected or being ignored.
For now, I will pretend I'm not excited to hear from you, not excited to know about you. I will keep on in my little world of stress and misery and wonder- wonder if you could ever love me like I think I can love you.
I scare myself silly at the thought, so I really dont blame you if your first reaction is to reject the idea of love I have offered to you. If the time is not right, I hope someday I can be yours; I can be your One.
Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm dreaming. But if there's any way you could love me, I ask you to try. Let me show you I can love. Just let me be yours. Most of all, show me that love is real. Show me that I can have love. Fables aside, give me a fairy tale ending and let me yours.
I want to find out that love isnt a made up story.
I want to find out with you.

Sometimes

"Come away with me in the night"

-Norah Jones

Sometimes we're not ok.

Sometimes we need a hug.

Sometimes we just need to dance.

Sometimes we laugh.

Sometimes we fall in love.

Sometimes we get angry.

Sometimes we play dress up.

Sometimes we listen.

Sometimes we fail.

Sometimes we're the best.

Sometimes we cry.

Sometimes we dont know.

Sometimes we lie.

Sometimes we're happy.

Sometimes we make jokes.

Sometimes we sneak away.

Sometimes we're quiet.

Sometimes we dont have words.

Sometimes we create trouble.

Sometimes we think too much.

Sometimes we rhyme.

Sometimes we just talk.

Sometimes.

Make It Better

"Dont make it bad"

-The Beatles

Someday, my posts will be filled with substance. As for today....

For those of you that havent noticed, I have a bit of a Beatles obsession. (If you truly have not noticed, refer back to my post of Abbey Road in real time). Stumbleupon never ceases to send me amazingness, but today it gave me brilliance.

Aaahh The Beatles.

The Crossing

"All you need is love"

-The Beatles

Newest discovery stumble upon has given me? Abbey Road in real time.

www.abbeyroad.com/visit/

Check it out.

I hope it makes your day like it has made mine. :]

8/3/11

Trouble

"There's a fire starting in my heart"

-Adele

What does fire need to survive? Oxygen? Fuel? A spark.

For camp fires, we typically use dead branches, logs, and leaves to feed our fires. Camp fires (or fire pits, for backyards) are used to create. An atmosphere, warmth, a s'more. Camp fires bring. They unite. They sing and play guitar. They take a dead night and make a night full of life to remember.

For wild forest fires, the flame feeds on live foliage. A tree, green and full of life, now turned to ash and smoke. Something once beautiful, strong, tall, now destroyed, forgotten, and dead. The fire rages. The heat is much too intense to handle. Everything in the path of this Wild Thing is eaten, used to destroy more. Nothing is gained. So much, too much, lost.

Once a camp fire turns wild, there is no bringing it back. You cannot tame a wild thing. Once out of control, a fire continues until the oxygen or fuel is taken from it. The spark cannot be revoked; the damage undone. All there is left to do is save what is in front of the fire. A tree already infected with flame will never thrive like it once did; the cancerous heat overtakes and squeezes out all life.

In a forest fire, fuel is plentiful. There is no hope of removing the fuel. Not like turning off the gas in a living room fireplace. One must rid the fire of the oxygen it depends so greatly on to survive. Water and fire retardant are spread to choke the fire; create a void in the needed elements for the blazes. This work requires endless effort and hours; the fire cannot be allowed to take an intermission to take hold on life again. Until the fire is completely destroyed, the forest dies, either little by little, or all at once.

When the flames are through dancing across the earth with a mocking tone, what is left is desolate. Bare. Uninhabitable. A blaze may only take minutes to destroy what took hundreds of years to build up. How much longer will it now take to recreate what was taken. The hurt cannot be undone. Not in a lifetime. The dead, naked, charred ground will not recover. New life will come in time; but the previous state that existed is no longer, nor will it be again.

Fire.

Home

"Take a trip into the sky with me, fly with me." -Feist

This morning I heard a song that said, "Home is whenever I'm with you." It got me thinking about how many artists sing of "Home" and made me curious about what I could find with a little digging. Here are some of the lines I found:

"This is not a Home, I think I'm better off alone." -Three Days Grace (Sorry to start with something depressing, playlist.com's idea, not mine.)

"Home is whenever I'm with you" -Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros

"Sweet Home Alabama; where the skies are so blue." -Lynard Skynard

"A house is not a Home. Is a house really a Home when your loved ones is gone?" -Dirty Money

"I wanna go Home, 'cause I miss you, you know." -Michael Buble

"Where feeling good dont ever cost a thing... I'm going Home; to the place where I belong; where your love has always been enough for me" -Daughtry

"This is Home; now I'm finally where I belong... I've been searching for a place of my own." -Jon Foreman

"Come take me Home tonight.... I need you now, I'm lost without you." -Goo Goo Dolls

"I'll be Home for Christmas, you can count on me... If only in my dreams."

"First train Home, I've got to get on it." -Imogen Heap

"This is my temporary Home, its not where I belong." -Carrie Underwood

I'm not exactly sure why I was so curious about Homes, but it may have something to do with all the house hunting I've been doing the last few days. Hopefully in the next few weeks I will have pictures of a house with an awesome roommate to post and I can start creating a Home for myself. Its amazing how your view of something changes, or develops, when you're the one deciding how it should be.

What will make my Home? The people? The feeling? The furniture?

More later.

Making Plans

"I know more than I knew before"

-Feist

Inspirational quote of the day!

This is dedicated to my ever-changing plans!

Enjoy. <3

Figuratively Fine

"I wish that I could fly away..."

-Nora Jones

So, to come back from a vacation away from blogging, I'll blog about leaving. Appropriate, no? :)

In 'Breakfast at Tiffany's', Holly does all her planning in-the-moment style. She goes to New York simply because she'd never been there before. I know I'm more than a little obsessed with this movie, (if I liked cats enough to have one, I would name it 'Cat') but those were truely the days. The days before life was too complicated to make anything work and when being a good amount of crazy was acceptable. The days when little coffee shops and cafes flourished, simply because that's how life was. Now its all about chain stores that put these little shops under.

Maybe this is why I like Europe so much. To get the things you need, you go to the store that specializes in it, not a supermarket, or supermarche. The cheese shop, the bakery, the butcher shop. You know your people and they know you. The hyped-up, impersonal life just isnt for me, I suppose.

The more I find myself wrapped in responsibility, the more I want to get away. Be a few years farther down the road so things can start happening. I would have adventures of moving to new places, helping new people, discovering new ways of being. Being in one state of being too long creates a fear that doesnt go away until the next big change presents itself. I've come to believe, whether or not it is actually true, that if I create my change, I can better control the changes around me. Or at least handle change better. Becoming comfortable in one state creates a vulnerability to the change that will no doubt present itself eventually.

Bringing this back to getting away and leaving, every morning as I leave work, I watch planes take off from the Salt Lake City International Airport. I dont know where they're going, when they'll be there, or who is on them, all I know is that I wish I was invited. People on planes are going places, literally and figuratively. They're on business or vacation or moving or coming back to somewhere. They have a destination and a goal in mind for that destination; expectations from their travel. Its much easier to see where you're going when it is literal and figurative.

Instead, I am job hunting so I can stay longer and exist the same for a few more years. Three. Three more years before I can expect life to hand me somewhere to go, literally and figuratively. In three years, the opportunities are endless. Almost every state has a school with the program I want. All I have to do is apply and be accepted somewhere where I want to be. In the mean-time I am figuratively going many places.

Figuratively off to my many waiting adventures.

Eyes Wide Open

"Somewhere over the rainbow...and the dreams that you dreamed of"

-Israel Kamakowiwo Ole'

I have many life goals. Some I know will never happen, just because of the life style I choose to live and the direction I have in mind for myself. Others, however, will happen if I choose to make them happen. I will now share my top 10 (as of right now) places I want to visit in the world. This does not include places I have already been, as I have already been to those places. I may include a repeat list at the end. :]

10. New York City

9. Bora Bora

8. The Great Barrier Reef in Australia

7. The Great Wall of China

6. Egypt

5. Jerusalem

4. Prague

3. Scotland

2. Greece

1. Machu Picchu

I realized half-way down that they arent in any really specific order, except that this is the order I thought of them in... For the most part its pretty close, though. Of course this is not the entire list of places I'd like to see, but its a good start. :]

Let the adventures begin!