Luftballoon

'And here it is, a red balloon, I think of you and let it go'
-Goldfinger
While Goldfinger is not the original artist of this song, it is the version I listen to. I love the second half of the song in German.
For some reason I've taken special liking to this song. Letting balloons go gives me some sort of strange reminder how the rest of the world still exists. How small we are in comparison to everything else.
On Sunday night I climbed up on the roof of my house and let go of my three birthday balloons. One by one. I watched each of them fly away and escape into the sky above. As I stared, I imagined they were headed for Mississippi, to let You know I was thinking of You. To tell You I love You. Unfortunately, they were flying West, not East toward Mississippi.
So this is my post to you, letting you know that I'm always thinking of You. Always aware of You.
I think of You and let it go...

Soul Searching

"If I forget who I am, would you please remind me? ...'cause without you things go hazy."
-Rosi Golan
Today, I am off to find Myself, stashed away somewhere in a dream. It seems unlikely that I will meet Myself today, in one go at it. But I need to try. The last month or so has been full of confusion, regret, and hardship, so today I focus on myself. I have some ideas of how put forth this effort.
I will report back later.
I'm hoping for a lovely afternoon of sunshine and inner bliss.

Oddity

"And the stars look very different today, Here I am sitting in a tin can far above the world, Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do"

-David Bowie

Ever feel different? Different from the person you were before, or wanted to be, or thought you should have been? Ever feel different from expectations of yourself? Of expectations others have of you?

Ever feel lost and alone, but in a good way?

Spring semesters always have a way of creating a hell-storm of events that leave me feeling confused and afraid of the world. Today I realized I'm much better at writing and creating my feelings than speaking them or trying to put them into understandable words. Words restrict. They bind. They assume. Words are not understandable.

The poetry and not-poetry I create helps to define me. The way I define myself. If we were able to define ourselves... Able to decide how others see us. Able to create the person we want to be. If we were able to define ourselves with our best and worst qualities, with the person we want to be, the person we are, and the person we wish we weren't.

This post doesn't make any sense. But maybe that's the point. The point is to not make sense to the world. Not make sense to yourself. To create a world where you fit in and get thrown out. Create a world where you understand what is going on. Create a world of nothing. Create no understanding.

Angry. Afraid. Defensive. Happy. Thoughtful. Bitter. Hopeful. Creative. Sensitive. Loving. Lonely. In love.

Definition.

What is the definition of 'definition'?

the act of defining or making definite, distinct, or clear.

Make yourself definite. Make yourself distinct. Clearly state 'You'.

I've defined myself for a day. Never for a lifetime, I change by the moment. Never for a week, I change my clothes. Never for a month, the weather changes. With every coming change, the definition moves on to a new page.

Thoughts lost in a page. My blog is full of thoughts lost in time.

I cant say why the thoughts are flowing freely today. Its a mystery. A mystery similar to this post. Mysterious to the world. Mysterious to me.

Someone once told me of a quote from Shakespeare in Love. Everyone keeps asking how everything is going to work out, they're scared and alone, possibly afraid of the future. The main character replies excited with, "I don't know! Its a mystery!" What faith. Faith in the world, Faith in themselves, and Faith in the Lord. I hope to attain such Faith.

This year I've been left and abandoned and realized that sometimes there is no room for friends. No room in your heart to let in someone normal. Someone you're not sure of. I have no room in my heart for friends at this point in my life. I've been hurt and damaged. My family is all I rely on.

This year I've found Love. The kind of Love that makes your heart swell. The kind of Love I was sure didn't exist. I'm in Love. My heart has opened and let in the most amazing person I've ever known. The room in my heart where friends once stood solely, is where this sole person now stands. The only person that I am not afraid of leaving me empty. Leaving me lonely.

This year I've found Me. The Me I continue to create. Day after day, I discover more of Myself. More strengths, weaknesses, and whit than ever thought possible. I continue to surprise Myself with the person I'm becoming.

I can honestly say here and now that I like the person I'm becoming. Reality check does wonders for you.

This time of the year is the second hardest of the year for me. I struggle, I drift, I cry, I wish away the present in what could have, would have, and should have. This year, this spring, I will not.

In waiting for You, I've found strength that I never could have faked until I made. You give me strength. And I Love You.

Question. How is everything going to work out?

Answer. I don't know. Its a mystery.

Happenings

"We gotta get right back to where we started from"
-Maxine Nightingale
So I realized that all my beginning quotes have been from Taylor Swift the past while. I did not plan this. Her music just happens to speak to me. There is complicated, intricate music and then there is Taylor Swift. Basic, sweet, sincere. A thought, a feeling, a sentence, a song. I love the way her music carries feeling.
Well just a quick post about the last little while. School, work, homework, sleep, repeat. I'm trying to schedule in working out now. If you ever want yourself to DO something, challenge yourself. Dont think, 'Ok, I will go to the gym every day this week and I will get in shape!' Think, "Go to the gym every day this week, even if it is for 10 minutes!" Well, this is where I'm at. Dont encourage yourself. Demand it from yourself.
Scheduling is my biggest competitor currently, but do not despair, I will overcome!
Mind over matter today.
I have an idea for my next adventure....
More to come.

Poetically Perfect

"I'll spend forever wondering if you knew... Please don't..."

-Taylor Swift

Of all the ways to tell you, of all the things I wish I could say, it'll have to do for now.

The upside down envelope I get every two weeks answers all questions. I was clueless to say the least, but now I understand. I long for the day when gesture can be turned into word. My history and fearful character will prevent me from telling you first, but be assured, you're my everything.

Here I write the words I cannot say to you. The hidden things kept safe from the cruel, mocking world.

Someday I will share them with you. Along with all the other hidden things. For there are many.

Please don't....

be in love with someone else

have somebody waiting on you

You're my everything.

Cloud Nine

"You are the best thing that's ever been Mine"
Taylor Swift
'When you know, you know.' Or at least I think that's how the saying goes.
How do you know? How do you REALLY know?
Somewhere out there is my better half. My best friend. My someone. Patience is a virtue, they say. As my patience is tried and tested, there's never a thought of abandonment. Not me for you, nor you for me. Just patience being learned. With time, I'm only more amazed and smitten by you. I now know you think of me the same I think of you. The calm and peace that comes about you is something I've never known before. For now, I wait, because 'when you know, you know' and I know.
How do you know? It just happens.
You are my better half. My best friend. My someone.
You're my person.
i.l.y.t.

The Dark

"Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?"
-Taylor Swift
Where does paranoia start? I believe it starts with a spark, inflicted on a field of dry, summer grasses, waiting to be scorched by some careless person only thinking of themselves in a moment.
The ability to move on is easy. The choice is clear. You or him? Its him every time, you dont stand a chance standing next to him. He's amazing, you're you.
The ability to heal is impossible. The nightmares. The contact I think I'm finally done with. You've proved me wrong yet again. I'll never understand your incessant need to know of me, to ruin me.
Leave me be.
Leave me be.