-David Bowie
Ever feel different? Different from the person you were before, or wanted to be, or thought you should have been? Ever feel different from expectations of yourself? Of expectations others have of you?
Ever feel lost and alone, but in a good way?
Spring semesters always have a way of creating a hell-storm of events that leave me feeling confused and afraid of the world. Today I realized I'm much better at writing and creating my feelings than speaking them or trying to put them into understandable words. Words restrict. They bind. They assume. Words are not understandable.
The poetry and not-poetry I create helps to define me. The way I define myself. If we were able to define ourselves... Able to decide how others see us. Able to create the person we want to be. If we were able to define ourselves with our best and worst qualities, with the person we want to be, the person we are, and the person we wish we weren't.
This post doesn't make any sense. But maybe that's the point. The point is to not make sense to the world. Not make sense to yourself. To create a world where you fit in and get thrown out. Create a world where you understand what is going on. Create a world of nothing. Create no understanding.
Angry. Afraid. Defensive. Happy. Thoughtful. Bitter. Hopeful. Creative. Sensitive. Loving. Lonely. In love.
Definition.
What is the definition of 'definition'?
the act of defining or making definite, distinct, or clear.
Make yourself definite. Make yourself distinct. Clearly state 'You'.
I've defined myself for a day. Never for a lifetime, I change by the moment. Never for a week, I change my clothes. Never for a month, the weather changes. With every coming change, the definition moves on to a new page.
Thoughts lost in a page. My blog is full of thoughts lost in time.
I cant say why the thoughts are flowing freely today. Its a mystery. A mystery similar to this post. Mysterious to the world. Mysterious to me.
Someone once told me of a quote from Shakespeare in Love. Everyone keeps asking how everything is going to work out, they're scared and alone, possibly afraid of the future. The main character replies excited with, "I don't know! Its a mystery!" What faith. Faith in the world, Faith in themselves, and Faith in the Lord. I hope to attain such Faith.
This year I've been left and abandoned and realized that sometimes there is no room for friends. No room in your heart to let in someone normal. Someone you're not sure of. I have no room in my heart for friends at this point in my life. I've been hurt and damaged. My family is all I rely on.
This year I've found Love. The kind of Love that makes your heart swell. The kind of Love I was sure didn't exist. I'm in Love. My heart has opened and let in the most amazing person I've ever known. The room in my heart where friends once stood solely, is where this sole person now stands. The only person that I am not afraid of leaving me empty. Leaving me lonely.
This year I've found Me. The Me I continue to create. Day after day, I discover more of Myself. More strengths, weaknesses, and whit than ever thought possible. I continue to surprise Myself with the person I'm becoming.
I can honestly say here and now that I like the person I'm becoming. Reality check does wonders for you.
This time of the year is the second hardest of the year for me. I struggle, I drift, I cry, I wish away the present in what could have, would have, and should have. This year, this spring, I will not.
In waiting for You, I've found strength that I never could have faked until I made. You give me strength. And I Love You.
Question. How is everything going to work out?
Answer. I don't know. Its a mystery.
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