Forever Gone

"Its like forgetting the words to your favourite song; you cant believe it, you were always singing along"
-Regina Spektor
Have you ever wanted something so badly, that your view of it was tainted. Maybe it wasnt really what you wanted, not what you bargained for, or simply not what you thought it'd be? Maybe that something, the something you want more than anything, the something that trumps all other somethings, is everything you can imagine, you're just not sure if you deserve it in the end.
What if that something isnt what you want anymore? That something that made you so happy, that made you look to the future with a world of hope, the something that kept you going at more times than one. What happens when you dont want it anymore? That something that could have potentially defined you, may have defined who you would become. It would have changed everything about you, created a whole new you. Then you didnt want it anymore.
There's no reasoning behind your choice. It just happens.
A switch.
On/off. One minute you're on and the next you're off. Why? Why does that happen? Why is it that something you're so attached to, an idea, something you want so much, a future, can just slip away. You've changed your mind and now its gone. Forever gone.
Is it just an irrational fear that will pass with time? One can only hope. I hope this feeling passes. This lonely forgotten feeling. I want it to pass so much. I miss that feeling. I miss the giddy, joyful, hopeful feelings that my something gave me. Instead I'm left in this empty void of nothingness. The answer I was so sure of is gone. I have nothing to reassure myself with, nothing to fill the void where the answer was held secure and safe.
For now I'm left to dwell in this void, unsure of everything.
To that something that kept us going. To the something that kept me here.

Rising Up

"What happened to bulletproof weeks in your arms"
-Matt Nathanson
The worst part about looking back is realizing the things that could have been different. If one detail of a day or moment were changed, everything could be different now. This realization brings more and more thoughts of what could have, should have, or would have been. That where you are now was because of something that may not have had to happen. The worst part of this realization is that where you are, as hard or difficult as it is where you are, that it is where you are supposed to be. Where you are is taking you to where you are supposed to be later. I've recently made this connection. That with where I am now, I am learning things that will help me with where I'm going.
How are we supposed to know if we are where we are supposed to be? I think its through the little things. The things like getting to know someone, like a relationship start and begin to work. Although we're not always sure if we're going the right way, when we take the time to ask, or simply to find out if we're where we should be. Somehow, knowing that although dealing with hardships sucks at the time, knowing that its how it is supposed to be makes it better, easier to handle. Nothing is easy but doing something for a reason makes it all worth it. Knowing it will work out gives us something to fight for.
Our potential is everything, the only thing we have to fight for.
May we rise to our potential.