Back to Life

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"

-Semisonic

Oh goodness. Where to begin....

With my first semester of college over and done, I am proud to say that I survived! I have yet to gain my Freshman Fifteen (trying to keep it that way...) and I have yet to find out if I actually passed all of my classes...

2010, you have been a beast!! I have learned so much and hopefully will not quickly forget all of the things I have added to my experiences.

Moving to Salt Lake was just about the best thing I could have done for myself this year. I have made so many new friends and love where I am right now.

I am going to be an aunt!! I'm so excited, even though there will be hard times for my family because of the circumstances and situations.

I have come to love my family SO much! Every single one of them! Every time something new happens, good or bad, I end up loving them so much more!! I love that my family is both the white sheep family, and the black sheep family. We are so unique and have an awesome story together. I'm grateful for them.

I love the friends that keep me a part of their lives. We dont see each other often, but we work hard to keep our friendship alive, despite the fact that our lives have taken us different ways. After all, isnt that how friendship works?

My life would cease to be Mine if there werent changes thrown at me ever few minutes, so I look at changes as a challenge to make the best of them. I admit, I have lots of growing up to do, but all the changes I have overtaken have helped to shape me into the person I am today.

I think the most exciting thing about changes is leaving behind what was and looking forward to what will be. Goodbyes can be hard, but sometimes they are for the better. I can testify of this. I dont know everything, but I know everything happens for a reason, and thats enough to comfort me through most everything.

I know who I am and where I fit into the big scheme of things. I know who I need to be to fulfill who I need to become. I know my potential and I know I cant forget it.

These few weeks off of school will be great- full of seeing friends from high school and hopefully seeing lots of family. I cant wait to spend a few days surrounded by my family and everyone I love. There will definitely be pictures to come.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, Happy everything else...

2010, you were fun.

2011, I'm ready now.

Six Months Stronger

"No longer the lost; no longer the same."

-Breaking Benjamin

First, I want to say that all posts in 10/10 started with the letter 'S'. This started as an accident then I thought it was pretty legit so I named this one with an 'S' also to keep theme. I hope to never do this again, I hate planned things like that, it makes too much conformity and less inspired random actions that come from Me. After all, I am all about my odd random actions.

So now: my Weird Arm is better!

Six months (and a few days...) ago I had intense surgery and got part of a bone in my elbow taken out. I am proud to say that six months later I have officially healed!

No! Small! Feat!

I am not exaggerating when I say I have dealt with this problem for more than 10 years- and now it is better. Before my 3rd, and last, surgery for this bugger of a problem, I had 10 degrees of rotation (most people have 160-180...) and after I gained 110, giving me 120 degrees of rotation. That is 1100% increase!!! The fact that I have kept this much motion for 6 months is huge and I will most likely not have a problem with it ever again. Therefore, surgery+radiation= success!!! I no longer have to eat with my left hand. :]

I was once told that I was cute- even in the hospital. I, personally, think thats a lie, but I'll share this picture anyway. Haha.

Now on to other amazing things.... I have started my Christmas shopping! Legendary! I have never began my Christmas shopping prior to about December 12th before, and this year, I have a feeling if I dont do it now, it will not get done. Extended family, do not fear, I have your gifts. :]

This week my Papa Rod is going through very intense measures to try to stop his leukemia. Papa Rod, love and prayers are in my heart.

My Journey has sure taken some crazy twists and turns, but I have faith it will work out in the end.

Keep smiling.

Searching for a Feeling

"I feel fine enough I guess; considering everything's a mess."

-Barenaked Ladies

Wisdom Teeth. So glad I only have 2. Or had, I suppose. They are no longer mine or with me. In their stead are holes, swelling, and a whole lot of pain.

I am incredibly pale- I lost a lot of blood this morning when they took the IV out. They took part of the tube off and didnt close the part attached to my arm, letting blood flow out of my arm, down to my hand and fingers and all over the floor. Thats what I woke up to and I've been dizzy all day.

I am getting the feeling in my face back (I was numb all the way to my ear) and can finally drink without making a mess. The downside is that with the numbness gone, the pain can take over and do its worst. My swelling isnt as bad as I've seen in other people after they get their wisdom teeth pulled out of their head. I hope it stays this way. I hear day 2 and 3 are the worst.

2 more hours until I get more pain medicine. I hope I last that long. I had to put my ice packs back in the freezer a little while ago and without them, the pain gets much worse. Its nothing to cry over, though, and nothing I cant deal with.

On my own. By myself.

"Men are bad"

-My favorite young women president on the planet, Val Hatch

This is a lesson, learned over a year ago I had apparently forgotten. Well. I will not be forgetting this lesson again any time soon. I have learned to listen to those who love me, trust those who see what I cannot, ask for help from those who know what I need.

Down time allows too much to be thought. Thought of the things undone, the things unsaid; The things tears were shed for, the hurt that cant be healed; The things that were betrayal, the trust that will always be broken. Thoughts of where to go from here.

When I started this blog, I wrote for myself. I still write for myself. To myself. I read a small paragraph of my blog to my sister the other day. She didnt understand what I read to her, but she wanted to hear more. Someday, when she struggles, she will read and understand.

The poetry that has come from Me in different parts of my blog is the poet that I've always wanted to be- only better. Because I write for Myself. The sadness that flows through what I write heals me. Its my way of dealing. Especially when there is no one else.

I wish I had a friend to talk to on the phone. Today has been lonely. I suppose part of healing is hurting though. Hurting always leads to healing eventually. Directly or indirectly. We hurt until we decide to heal, or we heal and decide to go through the hurt.

Things are looking up from here. I came to that realization last night after a talk with my bishop. Theres nothing like laying down what you want to leave behind and being told that you can do it, that you have a better person to become. Better than what you were, and better than you could have become on your own. No better feeling in the world. I know that my Redeemer lives.

Everything will be ok.

Silent Wars

"Stupid girl, I should have known...."

-Taylor Swift

I thought my title was pretty clever, considering I lost my voice this morning. I went to a haunted forest on a blind date last night and apparently screaming did not help my already-weakening voice from my cold. Now I get to whisper everything. :]

Things have been looking up since the weekend, but now I get to think about getting my test done and getting my wisdom teeth out... awesome. Its all good though, I will watch lots of movies and hopefully get a few new ones out of being bed-ridden for a few days. I haven't yet decided if I will be putting a picture of my chipmunk face; I will have to see how bad it gets before I do.

The War part of my title comes from all the crazy thoughts in my head. I cant get them organized. Just when I think I do, they go crazy again. Again, I am so glad this is Fall Break. I would have died if it wasnt. I think the first thing I will do is clean my room (that always makes me feel better) and then organize my shopping list- not that I have any money now, but for when I get around to saving up for something. I finally got a full-length mirror for my room, and now I can see all of myself at the same time. Needless to say, my checking account is almost dry. I get paid on Friday, hopefully it will be a little bigger than my last pay-check and I will be able to resist buying the shoes I want from work.

I have decided to start running again- an almost free hobby- to get back into shape and maybe do a few races in the Spring. I figure why not with Liberty Park just a few blocks from my house. I'm hoping I dont get intimidated by all the pro-athletes that run there. Ha.

This random post was dedicated to getting my thoughts a little more organized than before. It helped a little.

To the rest of you who have become subject to my random thoughts, thank you.

Wish me luck with the rest of this week.

"Whats the point in all this screaming, no ones listening anyway."

-The Goo Goo Dolls

Simply Complicated

"....That I should go and this should end, and I found myself listening...."

-Missy Higgins

I was once told of a sister missionary who excitedly told a man I know, "God loves his children!!" This, I know to be true. I have definitely been looked out for the last few days by good friends and people who love me. It was much needed and much appreciated.

I would like to take a minute to say I am sorry to all those who I did not listen to. I was wrong; you were right. "I told you so" -All of you who did, in fact, tell me so. Again, I am sorry.

There was never a better scheduled Fall Break in all of time. It came right at the end of my rope, the last straw, the last beacon of hope... And now the scripture "run and not be weary" comes to life. No matter how hard this week will be, if it was any later, I would break down.

I have already faced the fact that this week will be hard but I've asked for the help where I needed it, and the Lord will bless me to rise to my potential this week. I'm very grateful for the ones I have that have helped me so far. :]

Now, I pray for peace of mind and forgiveness.

Admirations and Adorations

"Look how they shine for you, and all the things you do."

-Coldplay

So I have found a hobby that doesn't cost anything. I am searching for more, because I am not satisfied that this is the only one out there and I am sure I can do better than that. But, on to my hobby that doesn't cost anything.

I have recently become addicted to stumbleupon.com.

Do. Not. Visit. This. Site.

You will become addicted. Plain and simple. But since there is little or no hope for me now, I will continue with my stumbling.

Ever since forever I have wanted to be a good photographer. My mom, as well as others, have told me that it comes naturally to me, so when I have the money and the means, I am going to splurge for a camera that will take my photography to the next level. This, however, is not a free hobby. It is a very expensive hobby.

For now I will look lustfully on the work of others:

(This is NOT my work, it is the work of people I found on stumbleupon.com. I do not claim this as my work.)

For the time being, I will have to settle for being just mediocre. I'm alright with that. Here are a few of my own pieces from over the years.....

(This IS my work.)

I will get better. For now I will just use my imagination and do things the way I see fit, rather than the way people think it should be done. After all, isnt that what Art is?

Lately I have been very busy with school and not so busy with work.

Life is awesome, do it with a smile.

Loves and kisses!

Words to Live By

"Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you, dear."

-Snow Patrol

Its amazing how much you learn when sincerely trying to become a better person. Not retracing, erasing, or reforming any footsteps- just heading in a new direction for a new destination.

I am definitely going through a new experience and I will do it at the best of my abilities. Choices lead to consequences and now I face the consequences. You can be sure I will be coming away from this experience with a lesson learned and a new appreciation for the Atonement.

This is my knowledge increase and comfort crutch for today:

"Christ is not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people don't need a Savior. He came to save his people in their imperfections. He is the Lord of the living, and the living make mistakes. He's not embarrassed by us, angry at us, or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief."

-Chieko N. Okazaki

That is all.

Growing Better, Becoming Me

"I'll tell you one thing, it's so much better when we're together."

-Jack Johnson

I have learned a lot of things from the path I've taken in life, but one of the most important, I think, is to learn to love what you are given. I have learned to love my crazy family. All of them, in whatever form they came into my life. My family used to be small, now it is huge and covers almost every form of 'pieced together' that there ever was. I wouldnt trade them for anything.

Explaining my family to people can get very frustrating. They werent what I was expecting at any time in my life but now that I have them they are the biggest blessings in my life. We laugh together and go through hard times together. Each of my family members gives me something new to add to "Me". I love my family. I cant wait for the future when my family is even bigger and crazier and buried in the middle is me and the person I hope to become, surrounded by amazing people that know me and love me anyway. That is my definition of a family.

I could never explain to anyone the role that each of my family members has played in my life. Although most of my family is acquired by marriage, they have loved me and given me something I never would have had before. I'm sad that my picture is missing Tejitu because I have grown so close to each of my sisters. They are amazing and every day of life with them is such a blessing. I dont know how I lived without them.

The past week has definitely been an interesting one. Its a good thing I didnt have to work all week because of all the homework and emotional stress I was under this week. I will be the first to say that just when you think something is going to get easier and better, it gets harder. Much harder. I am so grateful to have one of my amazing friends that helped me every step of the way and has cared so much about me. You know who you are. Thank you. :]

I'm expecting a hard day tomorrow..... I'll keep my head high and make it through.

Tears to better the path of tomorrow.

New Adventures

"Where are we? What the hell is going on?"

-Imogen Heap

Its amazing how far you can go with a little faith and a big jump.

I. Love. College.

I thought the work load, the schedule, working, the teachers, the people, the buildings, and the campus would all be overwhelming. They are. It isnt nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be though. So far I've gotten out of my comfort zone just enough to create a new comfort zone that eventually is sure to become my future self. I have a lot of learning, maturing, and growing to do so I can be in the right place at the right time. :]

All in all, this was a very good week. I didnt get much sleep, I worked 2 extra nights, and got lots of blisters on my feet, but I can tell its the start of something great. Whether or not my feet make it through 7 hours of work tomorrow... Well I will let you know the end of that battle.

Off to play games with the ward! They told me to get involved.

Here is me getting out of my comfort zone to meet new people.

The Calm Before the Storm

"Its the moment of truth, and the moment to lie. The moment to live, and the moment to die. Its the moment to fight."

-30 Seconds to Mars

Well not much to say about this one... School starts tomorrow. After weeks of boring transitions, here's the big one that determines where people go, who they become, and to whom they become married. (Jk, its going to be many years before that happens...)

Too many emotions to even be sure what is going on. I wish I knew what all I was supposed to be doing. Ah well, I'll get the hang of it. I like trying new things anyway.

Work is good, church is good, life is pretty good.

Check back tomorrow after school, work, and life.

You Cry Until You Laugh

"Affliction- A condition of pain, suffering, or distress."
-Google
Oh how I love Google. Not this time though. My friend Heidee and I have an inside joke about 'diggin'. It comes from our seminary class sophomore year when a kid in our class was not getting the point our teacher was trying to make. Our teacher said "Dig!" and the guy said, "I'm diggin!" Well tonight, Heidee and I were, in a sense, 'diggin.'
1 Nephi 1:1 talks about afflictions. The topical guide would define affliction as 'Blessing; Gifts of God.' Sorry Google, you're misleading.... Well I started searching the deapths of my soul to find the meaning I was supposed to get out of this scripture that was presented to me, out of the blue, by a good friend. I realized, a trial does not become an affliction until we take the good, the blessing, and the lesson away with us. Affliction is a positive word. Affliction is looking towards the Lord and letting Him guide you, instead of turning away and wondering, "Why me, why now?" Why couldnt I have realized this 2 days ago? Trial and error, I suppose. (No pun intended).
In other news, I have a great singles ward, my bathroom now has a door, and for those of you wondering, I got my textbooks ordered. :] Tejitu and I had a lovely afternoon together of her bossing me around and me making fun of her. She's content playing by herself with anything she gets her hands on and I'm content just watching her play. This afternoon she played with a necklace, a small box lid, and two pieces of plastic for at least half an hour. She makes my day.
I'm still looking for that cost-free hobby. I have an idea or two....
Here's to making trials into afflictions.

Tears for Fears

"I built my castle on a beach.... watchin' as it slid into the sea."
-A Fine Frenzy
I admit it, I have a thing for sad songs. When I have no one else to rely on, I can always rely on the songs being there to be sad with me. I thrive on finding the saddest songs, listening to them over and over until they become my own, and then holding on to them until I find one that is even more sad than the one before. My sad song right now says, 'And we watch and wait and do nothing but sigh and hope that everything is gonna turn alright.' Thats me right now. Even as everything falls just into place, everything around it just falls apart.
If I had a legit checklist of things that had to be done before the end of this Summer, it would have on it: moving (check), getting a job (check), signing up for classes (check), going to my singles ward (check), get my books (not check...) and probably a few other things. I guess if I can show for getting the important things done, it doesnt matter that I dont have anyone. I have no one. Just when I thought my relationships with everyone were the strongest, they fail. People I thought I could always rely on....
I am going to find a hobby.
More later on hobbys that dont cost anything. The world must be told if one exists.

Oreo Family

"Saying funny things that you have never heard, do you know what it's all about, are you brave enough to figure out"
-Kerli

Meet my family. We (minus Andrew) make up the kids of my family. Youngest to oldest, Tejitu, Genet, Eric, Melissa, and Andrew, there is a whole 18 years between the youngest and oldest of the family. Genet and Tejitu were adopted from Ethiopia in 2008, and they have definately adapted to they're new family and new life. As crazy and mixed up as my family is, I love them a lot and the hard situations have given me a strength that I think a lot of people dont ever have.

That strength will take me to far places, and I love myself for it. I have learned determination and to not settle for what isnt good enough. I have countless goals for the future and I will definately do great things because of the background I have and how I have been taught. The Dalai Lama said in his book 'Essential Teachings', "With a noble mind, pure and generous, we will spread joy around us, we will feel great peace and we will be able to communicate that to others." Everyone deserves to be happy and be great, they just need to learn to find it. Sometimes we need to bring that out in others.

Let yourself be happy. Let yourself be great.

Smile now and smile for the future.

We're Spreading Our Wings and Flying!

"There goes my hero, watch him as he goes..."

-Paramore

Well with growing up comes saying goodbye to all of my lovely guy friends and watching them go off to these cool places to serve the Lord. -Jealousy!!- Ohio, Romania, South Korea, the Phillipeans.... Just to name a few. A few months ago, (I may have mentioned this already) I decided that while all of the guys my age were off becoming who they need to be, I would do the same.

Hopefully next summer (most likely the one after...) I will be off to Africa to volunteer my time to people who need it most. I have done a little bit of research and where I would like to go most is either Uganda to work in an orphanage, or to Ethiopia to teach English in a school. I think I would rather go to Uganda, since I have been to Ethiopia, but I would love to go back to Ethiopia. I cant think of a better way to spend my time off of school while I will either be doing nothing or working.

Here are a few pictures I took while I was in Ethiopia 2 years ago.

The people there are amazing. They take nothing and make something of it. I wish I was that kind of person. Fortunate people look at the people of Africa and say it makes them feel sad for them. Then they forget the picture. I think people tend to shy away from things that make them uncomfortable and looking at extreme poverty definately makes fortunate people uncomfortable. By no means am I saying we should drop everything and move there to help, but we dont need to ignore it either. Maybe all we need to do is learn from them.

These people are truely happy. I will never forget the smile of a little girl running down the road to see us. She had no shoes and had probably never seen herself before, but she had the most amazing smile I had ever seen. That, was a happy girl. The Lord doesnt punish His people by where he puts them. He just puts different people in different situations. Dont we all have trials anyway? In the scriptures it says "Charity suffereth long..." and it also says that charity is the pure love of Christ. If your life is made of charity and long suffering, is there any way you could not know some form of Christ? It may not be the exact person I study the life of when I read the scriptures or go to church but God does not forget His people. Charity is charity, no matter who preforms the act. I believe God loves all His children, no matter what circumstance they are in.

I hope I can learn this by giving what I can and opening myself to become a way for the Lord to help His people in need. After all, the Lord answers prayers through other people.

Have you answered a prayer today?

Night Owl Insights

"If there is meaning in life at all, there must be a meaning in suffering....Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete."
-Victor E. Frankl
I have officially discovered that I do my best writing late at night when no one can inturrupt my crazy thoughts running wild. This is why I like reading late at night, especially when my reading inspires insights like this one. When I came across this paragraph, I immediately knew I needed to write about it-- not so much for me (at the moment), but for a good friend.
This paragraph came out of a book written by a WWII concentration camp survivor. The book was given to me as a graduation present and although I wouldnt have read it had it not been given to me, I trust the person that gave it to me, so I'm reading it anyway. The book starts out with the most part of 80 pages describing the sufferings and thought processes of a prisoner in a concentration camp. These 80 pages are kind of hard to make it through. But when you reach a certain point, the writer starts talking about attitude and no matter what they were going through, there were always those who took it better than the rest because of their attitude.
The sufferings of these prisoners is beyond all comprehension by us outsiders. But then, all suffering of others cant be determined for sure. We all have trials that are the hardest thing for us individually at the time. Although this quote doesnt make the suffering any more fun, it makes it a little more worth going through. It seems almost impossible that your attitude could have much effect on your level of suffering, especially when its coming from an outside force, but I know that attitude has a great effect on not only how much you learn from the suffering, but maybe even your whole outlook on life. I know my suffering has been worth while only because of what I get out of it when all is said and done.
I was once told that my writing is very dismal (I know that wasnt the exact word choice, but I dont remember what the word choice was). So, as a favor to a friend I will stop the sad writing there and end with the happy news of my changing life. :)
Well my mother is happily, stressfully married now. The wedding was very stressful and very fun. Not only was she 45 minutes late, missing her own rehearsal, we had to pin the sleeves of her dress on. We started about 35 minutes late. I was yelled at a few times for running in 3 inch heels and almost falling. The reception and party that night were great and she had a great time seeing all her friends. She did not like everyone staring at her. I got mad and told her thats why she had a wedding like that. She said oh.
I have started looking for apartments and jobs in Salt Lake. I'll soon be leaving the nest and attempting to make it some-what on my own. I have already appointed friends to remind me to buy food and eat, and I will put an alarm in my phone to pay bills and do important things that are important to living. Hopefully I wont die.
Well my brain has hit the wall for the night. Hopefully it wont be too long before the next set of exciting news. With all these changes coming so quickly there doesnt seem to be much time to stop and think about the things going on. Happy reading and happy 4th of July.
May you make your suffering worth while. ;)
Good night and good luck.

Here We Go Again

"What doesnt kill you makes you stronger."
-Kanye West
Boy has this quote applied to me the past two weeks. Sun, sun, and more sun. Hauling heavy boxes all over. Hiking up steep canyon walls. Welcome to the Grand Canyon. For 12 days I rafted down the Grand Canyon with my brother, my dad, and 5 other people. It was very fun and at times very unenjoyable. My little weak muscles have become a little stronger and my altitude sickness has been challenged and overcome once again. A few years ago I found out that I dont do well when I change altitude too quickly when I tried to climb a 14-thousand foot mountain with my dad. I now know that I can make it to the top next time.
This quote has also applied in relationships with some not-so friendly people the last few days. The blow of being so disrespected has past and now I'm going to forgive, forget, learn from it, and grow inspite of it. I took my time to grieve and now its time for me to step up and be the person I know I can be and that I know I should be. I am truely blessed to have the friends and family I do that have helped me through this so far. I know its not over yet but I'm doing my best to be uplifted rather than dragged down.
My mom's wedding is in 6 days and there is still so much to do. She handed me a to-do list a page long. Come to find out that was the to-do list for just yesterday. Last night we were out shopping until after 11. I still need to find an outfit. This week is going to be fun...
Finally, its time to start job and house hunting. I'm mostly excited. Partly terrified. This is really happening now. Its not the future anymore, its the present. Time to leave behind the familliar and step into the unknown. I'm so excited. All my changes are really happening now. I hope I can stay organized and keep up with the things that I need to do.
Through it all I'm sure I've become a better person than I was before. I have stepped out of one storm and into another. The adversity I've gone through isnt going to go away but I have become much stronger and been able to adapt and roll with the punches of everything that happens. Though my family is crazy and infuriating, I wouldnt trade it for anything because what I have learned from these trials is more than I could have learned from any other situation. It may not be good enough for some, but I know my potential and I know my faults. I wont let someone who doesnt know what they are talking about mess up my strength.
Its time to look forward, look up, and move on.
"...peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;"
-Doctrine and Covenants 121:7
Here's a smile for a rainy day. :]

One Last Goodbye

"Dont forget to remember me."
-Carrie Underwood This picture is one of my favorite senior pictures. I think it shows the Me that I'm afraid for people to see sometimes. This picture, taken by my fabulous aunt, Annelise LeCheminant, shows how happy I am right this second (minus a little cold). This morning my sweet boyfriend asked what I was doing and I said "running around like a crazy" and this was the complete truth. I was in 3 inch heels running everywhere. I quite literally ran into wal-mart to get money then ran into my school to get chords for graduation, which apparently make you special..... Then I grabbed my cap and gown and other essential items for the day and ran to my car and drove to Ogden. I was a little late for the line-up but we ended up standing for half an hour longer anyway so it didnt matter. As stressed as I was this morning, the day was totally worth it. It was an awesome graduation ceremony and it was interesting to see who actually made it this far. ;)
Except for the body-aches, the fever, and the tiredness, today was an awesome day. Its crazy to think that graduation came and went. I thought it would never come. As much as I hate being the center of attention most of the time, I liked it today.
I cant wait to see where all of the people I know from high school go in life. I'm so excited to see all the places we go. Even though I was so excited to be done, I'm even more excited to see where life takes me in the next few years. I cant wait!
To end this post, the best quote today,
"Are you getting married?"
-Tejitu

Oh Joyous Times

"We learn and grow by overcoming challenges with faith, persistance, and personal righteousness."
-Ann M. Gibb
This week was hard.
The End.
Not really.... I wont elaborate on that though. The hard week is now over, because its Sunday morning now and it is a new day already and today will be better than yesterday. I hope.
Later today (since after all, it is Sunday morning now) I will give a talk in church. About charity. I think.... Service, actually.
Anyway, my first year going to efy, I went alone, which meant rooming with someone I didnt actually know. My roommate's name was Summer. She was definately interesting. Needless to say, that was not the best week of my life. But, I did learn something that has stuck with me ever since. At one of the many devotionals, my councelor told us that her father taught her that when she was having a bad day she was to do something good for someone else. Well from this lesson taught by her father, my councelor ended up secretly giving the most popular girl in her dorm hall (she was away at college) a flower a friend gave to my councelor. She said she didnt know why she did it but she did anway. A day or two later there was a note on the community board to the "Flower Giver" and about how it had made her day. We never know what something we do means to someone else.
Tying this back to my bad week, my topic for my talk was chosen a month ago. By someone else. With a week this terrible, what better way to end it and kick off the new week by talking about how the Lord uses us to answer the prayers of other people. Throughout this bad week, I wonder how many chances I missed to serve others that needed it because I was wrapped up in my own problems. I will definately not make this a habit. Now that I've used up half an hour of my precious nighttime/sleep-time/talk-writing-time, I will start writing my talk about serving others and hopefully get over the guilt quickly.
In the future, I will serve often and procrastinate seldom. :]
Good night and good morning.

Thoughts of a Thinker

"How my thoughts they spin me 'round"

-Greg Laswell

I think the quote says it all. I had two paragraphs writen when I realized I had no idea what I was talking about so I started over. I have officially been given way too much time to just think. I spend way too much time thinking. About the future, about college, about my family, about moving. Not to mention that pesky thing we call school.

School- noun 1. an institution where instruction is given, esp. to persons under college age: The children are at school.

I feel like I'm in a downward spiral of helplessness. I think too much then lose sleep. When I lose sleep I have a hard time focusing my thoughts or staying on the same thought for more than a few seconds. Being all over the place with my thoughts makes me tired. At the end of the day I have thought about so much that I am absolutely sure I have missed something completely. I feel like all I can do is think. Think about what I will be doing in 2 months, 2 weeks, 2 days.

Off to DreamLand to find my NeverLand.

Good night World.

Here Goes Nothin!

"Whatever you do, do it well"
-Unknown
Tonight I was at my seminary graduation with all the people I have known for years and years. We have grown up and apart together. As we grew up, we grew apart. I was looking around a little surprised at who was there when I realized that not only was I being very rude about what I thought about the people there, I wasnt seeing them for what they are. I looked around at all of us seniors and for the first time, saw the good that the people my age can, have, and will do. It was very surprising to me.
All these years as I have been trying to think "they are a child of God" instead of pointing out all their faults, I havent seen what they are truely worth. Tonight I saw so much potential in all the people my age. As we grew up, we grew apart and through growing apart each of us has our own path to walk down; we have our own lists of lives to bless and things to learn and spiritual growth to be had. I couldnt believe I had never seen this before. The potential each of us has is so great and I completely missed it. I missed it because I was too busy being jealous or judging or being self-righteous. For the first time I can honestly say that I hope for the very best of each of the people in my graduating class. Especially those within the church.
Today in church, my friend asked me, mostly joking, "Why are we here?" I said, "In church?" And she said, "No, on the Earth." I said, "Well, to be tested." She gave me a blank look and said, "Why?" I said, "Because." I would not make a very good missionary. Its one thing to understand. Its another to help others understand.
At seminary graduation I was struggling to pay attention to the last speaker and while I was off in my own little world, I was thinking about that question asked to me as a joke. I decided that while the reason is to be tested, it is also so we can get to know ourselves as Heavenly Father knows us. The last thought shared with us was that we are spiritual beings having a mortal experience, not the other way around. I hope I never forget this.
I realized that through this particular meeting, the leaders that have 'held our hands' all our lives were finally stepping back and letting go, while trying to tell us how scared they were for us. I'm not sure it was very comforting. I think that being with us each step of the way, they know us well enough to see our potential and how quickly it could be lost. I dont see my own potential very well a lot of the time, but I know others do.
I hope I can run, walk, and fight through life regret-free. I hope I can live up to my potential. Not for anyone else, just for me. So I can say I did it and so when I meet my Savior, He will be proud of the things I've done. If you have helped me see my potential or have helped me in any way, thank you very much. Thank you for helping me through my fears and my tears that have come through my teenage years.
Your efforts have not been for nothing.
To all those who know me and love me anyway,
Thank You. :)

My Passionate Obsession

"One step short of crazy what do you get?"...."Passionate."

-National Treasure

I have become obsessed with Italy. I spent a week touring Italy in the summer of 2009 and completely fell in love. I love the language, the people, the food, and the atmosphere. There was not a single place that I did not fall in love with and would not go back to in a heart beat. The last few months I have watched a few movies that are set in Italy and I think my obsession has really taken off. A few pictures from my trip....

Completely in love......

And now I'm back down to Earth again and trying to focus on the events I have ahead of me. I am ready to graduate in every way but I'm not ready to deal with what comes after that. The day after graduation I'm going on a trip for two weeks with my dad. :] 5 (or 6...) days after getting home, my mom is getting married. I have 2 weeks to get a dress. Life is good. :)

Ah the joys of going to college. Oh hopefully I'll find a job in July so I dont have to live with my dad for very long.

I had a very lovely birthday last week and I got a variety of presents, including a nightlight, slime, a coconut bra, and an unexpected present from my boyfriend in California. I sleep well at night knowing that if I ever need a toy, I now have a toybox conveniently located in my closet, made up of my 18th birthday presents.

The first 17 years of my life have come to a close. I will now take my last few steps of high school then jump into the unknown.

Ready. Set. Jump.

Let the Changes Begin!

"What happens next? I dare you to move"
-Switchfoot
I realize that I'm focused very much on beginnings. I didnt plan this. I thought I was being clever with this title, sort of like, "let the games begin!" only it was changes, because so much change is coming so quickly. Instead I just looked obsessed with that word. Haha. As for the changes. Tonight I tied lovely, frustrating, stupid bows on my mother's wedding invitations. We're all very excited. :) In just over three weeks, I graduate from high school. Do I really need to elaborate on that? College in the fall, moving out, getting a job, meeting new people, and growing up.
I've grown used to change and have come to find that I like the changes more than I like when things stay the same. After so many changes right in a row, you get to be a little concerned when the next change isnt coming fast enough because of what it may hold in store for you. Change isnt a bad word. Not in my book. Change does, however, mean that you cannot look back and cannot dwell on what "coulda", "shoulda", "woulda". That is the hardest part about change for me.
Over the past few weeks, I have found that planning for the future is one of the hardest things you can do. The future is too unknown to plan for. The unexpected is expected, throwing off any chance you had at plannig for it. Sometimes you feel like life is laughing in your face saying, "you didnt see that one comeing, did you?" Of course I have plans and of course I know where I want my life to go, but is it going to go as I want? No.
At church and at school we have been planning for any emergency that may happen. The most probable- an earthquake. We can plan as much as we want but we still dont know when it is going to happen. Planning for the future is smart, but frustrating. Patience is a virtue that I will be working for all my life.
Each time I take a moment to really focus on what I need to do for the changes that are soon to come, I become more at ease with the future. College seems a little less hard, and growing up seems a little less scary. The future is still unknown, but I'm more comfortable with it every time I accept it and look willingly forward to it.
Future, ready or not, here I come.

Beginning

"In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth."
-Genesis 1:1
Most stories start at the beginning. My story starts at the beginning of a new chapter and the end of an old one. There is no definite beginning to one and end to the other, as I have learned the hard way. We need to concentrate on the future almost more than we focus on the here and now. As I focus so much on the future, I find the present passing me by before I can grasp the time I am losing so quickly. So why would I sit down on a Friday night in May of my senior year and create a blog? So that I can make myself look around instead of focusing ahead, just enough to take a breath and keep going.
I dont mean for this blog to have much of any interest to anyone but myself, although sharing my "oh so profound" thoughts about the world around me seemed like it would be much more fun than sitting on Facebook.... Most of my blogs will contain random thoughts or pictures of the things I do or think about. Little by little, the Melissa that is truely me will unfold and shine through the writing that is tying to hide it. The Melissa you find there is me. Me at my best, and worst, self.
Welcome to my blog. This is my Journey....